Letting Go and Letting God... The Second Time Around (My 2nd Miscarriage Story)

This was posted in Facebook last

How Do I Blog Again?

Let me count the ways...

Well, for a working mom like me, there's only one way-- I just have to squeeze it in my very hectic schedule.

So while waiting for my doctor's check-up for my migraine, I found time to go back to what I've been dying to do for the longest time.... Buhayin ang blog na ito! Baka mawala pa ang account ko, hehe. Thanks to Steve Jobs for my iPhone. Hehehe!

I also want to go back to blogging because I really want to document the growing years of my kids. Reading past entries makes me realize that my brain cannot store as much memories that I want to.
Sign of aging? Probably.

So what has happened in 2 years that I've been in hiatus?



1. Well, I had a second miscarriage in 2012. :( So Heartbreaking. But I'm over it. Thank God! I guess that's what I will remember most in 2012. I wrote about it here..

2. In 2013, I had to find out the reason for the 2 consecutive miscarriages. So I took the APAS Test. And, I'm positive.:( So that answers the question if we will try for a baby girl. Not anymore. I will write about APAS on a separate entry.

3. My kids are growing up fast!!! Matt is turning 10 next month, he is in Grade 4. Luke is 7 in April, he is in Grade 1. And we're having a party of course! So I will work on that party this quarter.

4. My hubby Jay is as pogi as ever but has to lose those tummy fats, hehehe! But I'm in love with him everyday. :)









5. Work is not like work at all. I just turned 15 as a Kapamilya. And I'm happy and content that I am. I'm being awarded this year. I'm excited on what I'm going to get. Is that an ABS ring or bracelet? Plus the cash of course. Thank You, Lord!

6. Our Church is on its 22nd year. I helped invite Echo on our 21st Anniversary as guest speaker.

7. Our Matthew is now a certified Black belter. Junior Black Belter actually. He can be a Senior at 14 years old.

8. Both the kids have learned to play the violin through the free music enrichment program of their school. Thank you, MSA! I cried during their recital. Hahaha!

I must say I am very blessed. For that, thank You, Lord!

Cheers that I am blogging again!

My Big Boys

 

Matt is now 7, Luke is 4. My boys are growing so fast! They are so smart and really bring joy to our family. They will always be my babies. :)

Lukie and Friends

 

Being a stay-at-home Mimi now gives me the time to fetch Luke from school. He is now in Kinder 1, very smart and quite naughty at times. I ride in his school service going home so I get the chance to witness the fun he has with his "service" mates.

It such a joy seeing him enjoy the company of his friends. Kakakulit nila. :)

Let GO and Let GOD... (My Miscarriage Story posted on my FB last Oct. 24, 2011)

After a work meeting last September 19, I just had an impulse to buy a pregnancy kit and had a test... I was 2 days delayed. When the kit registered 2 lines, I was overjoyed. I called Dada Jay as I held the kit and broke the good news. I thank God for another answered prayer. When I entered our office and told an officemate, the joy was just infectious and everybody was just so happy for their Mimi Dang (I'm a Mimi Dang not just to my kids :).

We were really praying for one last child to complete our family...and we were hoping for a baby girl this time. Matt is 7, Luke is 4. Having our last baby this time around is just right. My 3 boys (Dada Jay included) were just as excited as I was. The kids would touch and kiss my not-yet-obvious tummy many times. Dada always prepared my Anmum milk every night. I could very well feel the pregnancy signs...I was nauseous, I visited the CR frequently, I was very choosy with food, and the most undeniable, my pants had all become tight for my growing waist. :) Anticipating for another baby, I kept some of my pregnancy clothes. So I had all the tight pants removed from my closet and replaced them with the more loose ones.

My first ultrasound was fine at 6 weeks. Though any cardiac activity was not yet seen, it was okay because it was still very early. We were advised to repeat the ultrasound 2 weeks after. I began to feel lower abdominal pains which I also felt during my 2 perfect pregnancies. Going back to my pregnancy journal with Matt and Luke, I also had 2-week bed rest during my 1st trimester.

Last Oct 12, as I was lying down on my second ultrasound, I was excited to see the development of our baby. I was shocked when the OB Sonologist uttered, "Mommy, bad news po..." I had to make sure I heard him right so I asked, " Ano po? " " Mommy, bad news po... Wala pong heartbeat si baby..." I asked him if he was sure and I just burst into tears... My prayer to God that instant was, "Lord, please prepare me for this..."

Dada Jay came to my side and held me... He was always with me during my check-ups and lab tests. The OB Sonologist said that he would check first my ovaries, probably just to calm me down. But the iyakin in me could not just stop... After checking, he showed me again the heart area of my baby, it was supposed to flicker. But it was not. The heart was not beating. :(

Dada asked the doctor if we could repeat the ultrasound after a week just to confirm. He said yes. The ultrasound report was embryonic demise at 7 weeks, 3 days. I also had subchorionic hemorrhage near the gestational sac.

We went straight to my OB/Gyn check-up. I was crying talking to my doctor. She is the same doctor I had with Matt and Luke. We had a lot of questions. What could have caused this? Did I do anything that harmed my baby? Did our baby's heart ever beat at all? Was it 100% sure that our baby was gone?

My doctor's answer to the last question was, in a scale of 1- 10, 10 being the surest, it was 7-8 sure that our baby stopped growing... That was very high... and it all the more broke my heart....

The most probable cause is chromosomal problem. There might be lacking chromosomes to make the pregnancy NOT viable. I researched that "most chromosomal abnormalities are the cause of a faulty egg or sperm cell. Since the cause of most miscarriages is due to chromosomal abnormalities, there is not much that can be done to prevent them." Chromosomal defects cause the abnormalities of born babies.

My doctor still prescribed a hormonal support medicine for my baby and advised me to go on a 2-week bed rest. We would see her after a week.

That one week was the longest week of my life... Dada Jay did some internet research and encouraged me to do the same. There were cases that heartbeats were found out later than 8 weeks because of late ovulation, baby's angle at the time of the scan, etc. There was even a dedicated website for misdiagnosed miscarriages. I joined a forum and read many stories of miracles and miscarriages.

I was secretly praying for a miracle :). I know that nothing is too hard for the Lord. But I also believe in my heart that He wants the best for each one of us... for me and my baby. I prayed that if ever we found a heartbeat on the next ultrasound, the baby would be perfectly fine.

Telling the kids about my situation was also a hard part. I let Dada Jay do that. He told the kids that "Jesus might get our baby because she has a problem, so Jesus would just take her." (Please let me use she to refer to our baby :)

Being on a bed rest gave me a lot of time to read God's Word. It even strengthened my faith in Him. I trust Him fully. I know that His ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9). As I was patiently waiting for the next ultrasound, I busied myself. But of course, the occasional crying was present, again being the iyakin that I am.

The week passed. We went to another ultrasound clinic for more of a second opinion. I was excited but quite nervous. The nervousness was quite stretched with the long queue of patients who were either having their checkups or their ultrasounds. The Sonologist is also an OB/Gyn doctor. I could say I was quite ready for anything...so when she said that she was certain that it was a case of embryonic demise, I didn't cry right then and there. I cried outside the clinic. :(

As we were waiting for my turn at my OB/Gyn doctor, Dada Jay said we should let go of this situation and let God do His plan. He even mentioned that it was okay to just have Matt and Luke as our kids...

When my doctor saw the ultrasound report, she advised for a d & c as soon as possible. It is a surgical procedure to take out the pregnancy products inside me. She said I could be admitted that night but I begged off. I would just text her when I was ready. I was still mourning...and I know that as a friend, God was grieving with me...

Jay and I decided to go to the hospital last Friday morning. He had to go to work that day after bringing me there to endorse things. He was also entitled to a paternity leave. My kind Kuya accompanied me. I asked for a last ultrasound before the procedure. The Sonologist said that my baby measured 14 mm; at 6 mm, heartbeats could already be detected.

The preparation for the procedure was long and painful. I was like on induced labor for 5 hours waiting for my cervix to open. I couldn't eat or even drink water. The actual procedure was fast and painless. When I was wheeled to the Operating Room, I asked God to see me through. I told my OB doctor I didn't want to feel anything. I remember the pain of the skin test. But thanks to the inventor of the anesthesia, I was put to sleep. The next thing I remember, my doctor was waking me up to tell me the procedure was already done.

God is my refuge and my strength. He also used a lot of people to comfort me. I am overwhelmed by the countless messages of prayers and sympathy I received from my family, churchmates, officemates, friends and relatives. I was surprised to find out from some friends that they also suffered from miscarriages and so they could very well relate to what I was experiencing... It is true that what's harder in having a miscarriage is the emotional recovery...

So how am I coping? I'm sure I will be fine. Though I cannot promise not to cry ( because you know why :). But I'm getting better each day, all with God's grace... My spiritual buddy reminded me yesterday that "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

Now I have to plan what to do on my 60 days of maternity leave. :)

Thanks for reading this far....

God bless you, my friend! :)

Welcome back, Mimi!

After 2 years of hibernating, I finally found the push and the time to blog again! Such a victorious feat if I may say so. :)

Buhayin ang blog.

This is actually one of my to-do's, now that I'm on maternity leave. Nope, there's no new baby in the family. I had a miscarriage. :(

But I have emotionally recovered from it through God's grace. :)

After all that happened, God has actually granted one of my heart's desires--- to be a stay-at-home mom even for a while...

I was wishing before that I'd like to be home when the kids arrive from school or that I'd like to fetch them from school. I'd love to have naps with them in the afternoons; then I'd help them do their homeworks and study their lessons.

I'd like to go to the mall on weekdays when they open in the morning. I'd love to have a lot of quiet time and Mimi time on weekdays.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I'm super blessed to have my kind of work. I'm happy, content and proud to be a Kapamilya for 13 years now. :)

It's just that I would like to feel how it's like to be a stay-at-home mom like some of my friends even for a short time. It's an answered prayer. :)

So now, I would like to blog again. I love writing and I love going back to what I wrote. It reminds me of how blessed I am...

I'm excited to share my thoughts and stories again...

Luke Goes to Play School

Our little Luke started going to Play School last Nov 8, 2009. It's the same Play School that Kuya Matt went to two years ago. Luke is excited to go to his class which is MWF at 10:15 to 11:45 am. He's the youngest in his class at 2 and half years old. The Play School is actually for 3 and up. But Luke is very ready for school. Smart kid!

Lolo Bob accompanies his apo. The official tagahatid and sundo.

With Teacher Kim and claassmate Selwyn.

I deliberately let him wear the same shirt that Kuya wore also on his first day, hehe!

The Many Things I Love About Luke

I remember having written something like this for Matthew. He was 2 years old, 8 months then. Buti na lang, I wrote something like that, di ko na actually matandaan lahat ng sinulat ko dun.

Now that Lukee is 2 years and 4 months old, I would like to do the same thing for him. Mahirap na, nagiging makakalimutin na ko, hehe!






Here are the many things I love about Luke:

1. He is a very independent boy. He can sleep on his own. Last week, I brought him and Matthew to my office without Yaya. This was my first attempt to do that. When Luke was finally sleepy, he just asked for his milky then slept on his improvised bed under my desk.





2. I'm sure Luke would grow up to be a very intelligent boy. He amazed us when was able to identify the letters of the alphabet at 1 year and 8 months old. Now he can count and knows the colors and shapes. He is ready for school. When we ask him if he wants to go to school already, he says, "yes!." So we are enrolling him to MSA Playcamp anytime soon. Dada and I sometimes wonder if he is really just two years old, hehe!



3. He likes to read and read a lot. Ako na ang sumusuko as in! I don't have to tell him, "let's read!."

4. Before he was able to talk completely, his favorite phrase was "tsope, tsope, nyome, nyome, epiza..." which we still don't know up to now what he meant by that.

5. At around one year old, he suddenly did not want to wear diapers anymore at home. He only wears diapers at night and when we go out. He tells when he wants to pee. Ang laking tipid sa diapers. (",)


6. We were surrprised that before turning two years old, he was able to talk and express himself both in English and Filipino. Nakakatuwa how he tried his best to talk in complete sentence. Galing!

7. He loves to dance with matching tumbling pa.

8. He loves bowling, the real one and the computer game. Hindi ako makagamit ng laptop madalas kasi gusto niya mag-bowling!



9. He is our prayer leader when we eat. "Lord, thank you for the food, amen!"

10. He attended Sunday School before turning two. Yaya says he is more behaved than Kuya Matt and participates more. Hehe!

11. I'm teaching him phonics now. He always asks, "mimi what's the (beginning) letter of this or that?" He'd say" a-a-a apple or b-b-b ball.

12. When he wants to go out at night, we'd tell him, it's dark na, it's night na. And he would repeat that all over again. "Gabi na, night na." SM is closed, Robinsons is closed.

13. His favorite shows are Barney, Wiggles, High 5, Wonder Pets, Gabba Gabba, Backyardigans, Dora and Diego.

14. Kuya Matt is afraid of the dark. When Kuya wants to go to the CR at night, we will ask Luke to accompany him.

15. Surprisingly, he eats veggies! And is not much into sweets except ice cream.

16. Like Matthew, he is so sweet and malambing. He would kiss me a lot even if I'm wearing lipstick, then he would say, "wala na , mimi." Wala na ang lipstick ko kasi napunta na sa kanya! He would also hold my lips in between his thumb and index fingers (just like how you hold your burger), and kiss me a lot. Oh, how i love that!

17. Repeat no. 1.






His first Starbucks.

Cory, Cory, Cory!