Letting Go and Letting God... The Second Time Around (My 2nd Miscarriage Story)

This was posted in Facebook last

How Do I Blog Again?

Let me count the ways...

Well, for a working mom like me, there's only one way-- I just have to squeeze it in my very hectic schedule.

So while waiting for my doctor's check-up for my migraine, I found time to go back to what I've been dying to do for the longest time.... Buhayin ang blog na ito! Baka mawala pa ang account ko, hehe. Thanks to Steve Jobs for my iPhone. Hehehe!

I also want to go back to blogging because I really want to document the growing years of my kids. Reading past entries makes me realize that my brain cannot store as much memories that I want to.
Sign of aging? Probably.

So what has happened in 2 years that I've been in hiatus?



1. Well, I had a second miscarriage in 2012. :( So Heartbreaking. But I'm over it. Thank God! I guess that's what I will remember most in 2012. I wrote about it here..

2. In 2013, I had to find out the reason for the 2 consecutive miscarriages. So I took the APAS Test. And, I'm positive.:( So that answers the question if we will try for a baby girl. Not anymore. I will write about APAS on a separate entry.

3. My kids are growing up fast!!! Matt is turning 10 next month, he is in Grade 4. Luke is 7 in April, he is in Grade 1. And we're having a party of course! So I will work on that party this quarter.

4. My hubby Jay is as pogi as ever but has to lose those tummy fats, hehehe! But I'm in love with him everyday. :)









5. Work is not like work at all. I just turned 15 as a Kapamilya. And I'm happy and content that I am. I'm being awarded this year. I'm excited on what I'm going to get. Is that an ABS ring or bracelet? Plus the cash of course. Thank You, Lord!

6. Our Church is on its 22nd year. I helped invite Echo on our 21st Anniversary as guest speaker.

7. Our Matthew is now a certified Black belter. Junior Black Belter actually. He can be a Senior at 14 years old.

8. Both the kids have learned to play the violin through the free music enrichment program of their school. Thank you, MSA! I cried during their recital. Hahaha!

I must say I am very blessed. For that, thank You, Lord!

Cheers that I am blogging again!

Let GO and Let GOD... (My Miscarriage Story posted on my FB last Oct. 24, 2011)

After a work meeting last September 19, I just had an impulse to buy a pregnancy kit and had a test... I was 2 days delayed. When the kit registered 2 lines, I was overjoyed. I called Dada Jay as I held the kit and broke the good news. I thank God for another answered prayer. When I entered our office and told an officemate, the joy was just infectious and everybody was just so happy for their Mimi Dang (I'm a Mimi Dang not just to my kids :).

We were really praying for one last child to complete our family...and we were hoping for a baby girl this time. Matt is 7, Luke is 4. Having our last baby this time around is just right. My 3 boys (Dada Jay included) were just as excited as I was. The kids would touch and kiss my not-yet-obvious tummy many times. Dada always prepared my Anmum milk every night. I could very well feel the pregnancy signs...I was nauseous, I visited the CR frequently, I was very choosy with food, and the most undeniable, my pants had all become tight for my growing waist. :) Anticipating for another baby, I kept some of my pregnancy clothes. So I had all the tight pants removed from my closet and replaced them with the more loose ones.

My first ultrasound was fine at 6 weeks. Though any cardiac activity was not yet seen, it was okay because it was still very early. We were advised to repeat the ultrasound 2 weeks after. I began to feel lower abdominal pains which I also felt during my 2 perfect pregnancies. Going back to my pregnancy journal with Matt and Luke, I also had 2-week bed rest during my 1st trimester.

Last Oct 12, as I was lying down on my second ultrasound, I was excited to see the development of our baby. I was shocked when the OB Sonologist uttered, "Mommy, bad news po..." I had to make sure I heard him right so I asked, " Ano po? " " Mommy, bad news po... Wala pong heartbeat si baby..." I asked him if he was sure and I just burst into tears... My prayer to God that instant was, "Lord, please prepare me for this..."

Dada Jay came to my side and held me... He was always with me during my check-ups and lab tests. The OB Sonologist said that he would check first my ovaries, probably just to calm me down. But the iyakin in me could not just stop... After checking, he showed me again the heart area of my baby, it was supposed to flicker. But it was not. The heart was not beating. :(

Dada asked the doctor if we could repeat the ultrasound after a week just to confirm. He said yes. The ultrasound report was embryonic demise at 7 weeks, 3 days. I also had subchorionic hemorrhage near the gestational sac.

We went straight to my OB/Gyn check-up. I was crying talking to my doctor. She is the same doctor I had with Matt and Luke. We had a lot of questions. What could have caused this? Did I do anything that harmed my baby? Did our baby's heart ever beat at all? Was it 100% sure that our baby was gone?

My doctor's answer to the last question was, in a scale of 1- 10, 10 being the surest, it was 7-8 sure that our baby stopped growing... That was very high... and it all the more broke my heart....

The most probable cause is chromosomal problem. There might be lacking chromosomes to make the pregnancy NOT viable. I researched that "most chromosomal abnormalities are the cause of a faulty egg or sperm cell. Since the cause of most miscarriages is due to chromosomal abnormalities, there is not much that can be done to prevent them." Chromosomal defects cause the abnormalities of born babies.

My doctor still prescribed a hormonal support medicine for my baby and advised me to go on a 2-week bed rest. We would see her after a week.

That one week was the longest week of my life... Dada Jay did some internet research and encouraged me to do the same. There were cases that heartbeats were found out later than 8 weeks because of late ovulation, baby's angle at the time of the scan, etc. There was even a dedicated website for misdiagnosed miscarriages. I joined a forum and read many stories of miracles and miscarriages.

I was secretly praying for a miracle :). I know that nothing is too hard for the Lord. But I also believe in my heart that He wants the best for each one of us... for me and my baby. I prayed that if ever we found a heartbeat on the next ultrasound, the baby would be perfectly fine.

Telling the kids about my situation was also a hard part. I let Dada Jay do that. He told the kids that "Jesus might get our baby because she has a problem, so Jesus would just take her." (Please let me use she to refer to our baby :)

Being on a bed rest gave me a lot of time to read God's Word. It even strengthened my faith in Him. I trust Him fully. I know that His ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9). As I was patiently waiting for the next ultrasound, I busied myself. But of course, the occasional crying was present, again being the iyakin that I am.

The week passed. We went to another ultrasound clinic for more of a second opinion. I was excited but quite nervous. The nervousness was quite stretched with the long queue of patients who were either having their checkups or their ultrasounds. The Sonologist is also an OB/Gyn doctor. I could say I was quite ready for anything...so when she said that she was certain that it was a case of embryonic demise, I didn't cry right then and there. I cried outside the clinic. :(

As we were waiting for my turn at my OB/Gyn doctor, Dada Jay said we should let go of this situation and let God do His plan. He even mentioned that it was okay to just have Matt and Luke as our kids...

When my doctor saw the ultrasound report, she advised for a d & c as soon as possible. It is a surgical procedure to take out the pregnancy products inside me. She said I could be admitted that night but I begged off. I would just text her when I was ready. I was still mourning...and I know that as a friend, God was grieving with me...

Jay and I decided to go to the hospital last Friday morning. He had to go to work that day after bringing me there to endorse things. He was also entitled to a paternity leave. My kind Kuya accompanied me. I asked for a last ultrasound before the procedure. The Sonologist said that my baby measured 14 mm; at 6 mm, heartbeats could already be detected.

The preparation for the procedure was long and painful. I was like on induced labor for 5 hours waiting for my cervix to open. I couldn't eat or even drink water. The actual procedure was fast and painless. When I was wheeled to the Operating Room, I asked God to see me through. I told my OB doctor I didn't want to feel anything. I remember the pain of the skin test. But thanks to the inventor of the anesthesia, I was put to sleep. The next thing I remember, my doctor was waking me up to tell me the procedure was already done.

God is my refuge and my strength. He also used a lot of people to comfort me. I am overwhelmed by the countless messages of prayers and sympathy I received from my family, churchmates, officemates, friends and relatives. I was surprised to find out from some friends that they also suffered from miscarriages and so they could very well relate to what I was experiencing... It is true that what's harder in having a miscarriage is the emotional recovery...

So how am I coping? I'm sure I will be fine. Though I cannot promise not to cry ( because you know why :). But I'm getting better each day, all with God's grace... My spiritual buddy reminded me yesterday that "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

Now I have to plan what to do on my 60 days of maternity leave. :)

Thanks for reading this far....

God bless you, my friend! :)

Welcome back, Mimi!

After 2 years of hibernating, I finally found the push and the time to blog again! Such a victorious feat if I may say so. :)

Buhayin ang blog.

This is actually one of my to-do's, now that I'm on maternity leave. Nope, there's no new baby in the family. I had a miscarriage. :(

But I have emotionally recovered from it through God's grace. :)

After all that happened, God has actually granted one of my heart's desires--- to be a stay-at-home mom even for a while...

I was wishing before that I'd like to be home when the kids arrive from school or that I'd like to fetch them from school. I'd love to have naps with them in the afternoons; then I'd help them do their homeworks and study their lessons.

I'd like to go to the mall on weekdays when they open in the morning. I'd love to have a lot of quiet time and Mimi time on weekdays.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I'm super blessed to have my kind of work. I'm happy, content and proud to be a Kapamilya for 13 years now. :)

It's just that I would like to feel how it's like to be a stay-at-home mom like some of my friends even for a short time. It's an answered prayer. :)

So now, I would like to blog again. I love writing and I love going back to what I wrote. It reminds me of how blessed I am...

I'm excited to share my thoughts and stories again...

The SunDress

Our first time in Bora. Year 2002. Jay proposed to me.



Last month was our 4th time in Bora together. 7 years later. I brought the same sundress with me. Wondering if it still would fit. Buti na lang...hehe!

6 Years After The Wedding

The long holidays gave me the chance to clean the family bedroom.

Dyarrrrrran...I found my wedding gown!

I was curious if it would still fit me, curious if I'm really back to my wedding weight.

VOILA!





The kids just loved to go inside the skirt.

OUR U.S. TRIP

I had a chance to make a collage of our US trip during the long holidays. I framed them and gave them to Jay as my Christmas gift. It's nice to look back in one of God's greatest blessings to us for 2008 even if I was 25 lbs. HEAVIER then, hehe!

I Lost 20 lbs. in 80 Days

I lost 20 lbs. in 80 days. I'm almost back to my figure when Jay and I got married 5 years ago.

O di ba parang spiel sa commercial.(",)




Relate na relate ako sa commercial na nagtatakip ng bag pag nagpapa-picture. Here look, this was me when we went to the US last June.



Kahit na tinatago, may sumisilip pa rin na taba eh...hehe!



Teka alisin na nga ang bag...



Yikes!

When my big boss (itago natin sa initials na RGL hehe!) nominated me to join a wellness program last August, i thought, "teka mataba na ba ko?" Di ko alam kung maiinsulto ako eh, hehe! But I have a lot to thank him for.

Akala ko wellness program lang, yung seminar-type. Para ma-enlighten lang kami to healthy living. Aba weight-reduction contest pala. And our company was competing with other sister companies.

We had to lose weight in 80 days. This was me during the first weigh-in.



If not for the contest, I would have not known that my cholesterol level is 3-4 times higher than the normal range. Scary di ba! I'm just 32! Maliliit pa ang mga anak ko!

Our company was very supportive to the participants. We were provided free access to the gym, we had subsidized food, we had trainors and a nutritionist. Nakakahiyang hindi mag-lose, hehe!

The talks during the opening of the contest were very enlightening. I learned that conscious and healthy eating combined with exercise and physical activities would really make you lose weight. Healthy losing is 1 to 2 lbs a week. More than that is bad.

I also perfectly understood the concept of caloric deficit. It's the main reason why we lose weight. All the food and drinks (except water) we take have calories. When we buy packed food or bottled drinks, may nutrition facts kung ilang calories, kung ilan ang percentage ng sodium, fat, cholesterol etc. I learned to take note of that. Syempre, the lesser calories the better. Our body needs a certain number of calories to maintain its current weight. Pag binawasan natin ang calorie intake natin, our bodies will convert our stored fat into energy and use the fat instead, that's the time we'll lose weight. So counting calories is a key. I learned to count calories when I was pregnant with Matt. I was bordering kasi on gestational diabetes.

In order to lose 1 lb, we have to burn 3,500 calories. Ang dami di ba? Kaya dapat aside from we reduce the food we eat, exercise talaga. Pero masama ang nagpapagutom. It slows down our metabolism. At mahirap mag-workout pag gutom. Baka mahimatay ka, haha! Saka di ba pag gutom tayo at di na natin nakayanan, pag kumain tayo ulit, mapaparami din, e ganun din yun.

This picture was taken during the second weigh-in. I lost 10 lbs here.



Eto naman was 3 weeks after. 3rd weigh-in. Lost 15 lbs here.



Eto na ang final weigh-in last Nov 5.



Here are some things i did. A lot of my friends were asking how did i do it.

1. I set a target weight ideal to my height. Right now, I'm 3-4 lbs away from it.

2. I cut down on rice. From 1 cup to a half cup every meal. That's cutting down 200 calories of 1 cup rice to 100 calories of half cup rice. Note ha, I cut down NOT avoided it. Nga pala, may panukat ako ng rice, mahirap magtantiya. Rice (especially brown rice) potatoes, beans, oatmeal, whole wheat and whole grains are slow carbs. They are preferred over other fast carbs like white bread, pasta, noodles because slow carbs are not digested easily.

3. Aside from going to the gym 3x a week (actually nag 5 times ako nung latter part ng contest), I walk and walk and walk whenever possible.Walking burns 9 calories a minute. I don't use the elevators na for 3 floors below. Stairs na lang.

4. I avoided foods high in sugar, sodium and fat. Naku, I have sweet tooth pa naman. Dapat last taste ko matamis. I did not deprive myself naman. Kakain ako, pero konti lang. 1-2 bites lang. During the opening of the contest, sabi naman nung speakers do not deprive ourselves daw. Pwede naman, pero konti lang talaga. Kasi pag you feel deprived and you really want to eat na, mapapaparami naman ang kain mo.

Too much sodium should be avoided because it retains water in the body.

Fat, i totally avoided. I did not eat chicken skin. Nung una mahirap. Favorite ko pa naman wing part na ma-skin. Kaya ngayon, magkakalasa na sa kin ang chicken ng KFC, Shakeys at Kenny. Kasi laman lang naman ang kinakain ko eh, hehe. Eat lean mean, tanggalin ang taba!

Chicken and fish are good sources of protein with less calories pa.

The calories of regular fries is equivalent to 4 corns on the cob. E di ka naman mabubusog sa regular fries lang so tendency is kakain pa. Isang corncob lang busog na ko.

So it's really choosing healthier food with less calories.

When i found out about my high cholesterol level, I was asked by the doctor to avoid fried foods. Steamed na lang or grilled or boiled. Actually, ganito ang diet namin that the company provided. Syempre para iwas mantika. Iwas fat.

For my family naman, i changed our cooking oil. Aside from olive oil na mahal, pure coconut oil is ok daw sabi nung nutritionist namin nung opening day ng contest.

4. Do not starve ourselves. Dapat ang eating is 3-4 hours interval pero small meals lang. As i said, starvation slows down our metabolism.

5. I take healthy snacks. Veggie salads, fruits like banana and apple in between meals. Junkfood? I avoided. Pero pag natutukso dahil kumakain ang iba at nag-aalok, 3-5 pieces lang haha!

6. All drinks except water have calories. So water na lang talaga, kahit gano karami, pwede. Minsan I take water before meal para mabusog na nang konti, hehe.

7. It helps to have a support group who will understand and be one with you in your choice of food and activities. Syempre pag nagkayayaan na sa fastfood, mahirap nang tumanggi. It's good the contest was a team competition. I have teammates na nagpapaalala sa akin on what to eat at teka, bumaba tayo sa 3rd floor at lakarin na lang pababa.

I think the important learning is it's all about discipline and commitment. Kasi kung wala yun, baka di naman ako pumayat. I set a goal and I was determined to achieve it.

This whole experience is not just life-changing for me but for my family too. As the homemaker, I dictate what's to be served on the table. I was enlightened a lot on healthy eating. Pag pinakuluan ang beef para sa nilaga, alisin ang sebo. Kung pwede steamed na lang ang hotdog na favorite ni Matt, steamed na lang para iwas mantika. Wag nang kainin ang taba ng pork or better, alisin na pag lulutuin pa lang.

Ang dami kong dapat pasalamatan dahil sa wellness contest na to. Salamat, Sir RGL. Salamat sa suporta ng company namin. And of course, this is all by God's grace.

Bukod sa ang tawag sa akin ng husband ko ay Sexy (haha), I know i'm healthy na.

The challenge now is to maintain it. Naku, Christmas pa naman, hehe! Pero titignan ko na lang yung pictures ko na nagtatakip ng bag para di na ko bumalik sa dati, haha! Right now, i'm still enrolled sa gym and I intend to do so for as long as a I can. I even have a personal trainor and availed of her services nung last 3 weeks ng contest.

For more info, this site is helpful at may calorie counter pa.

http://www.acaloriecounter.com/weight-loss.php#section1

The Battle is Over

Thank you so much to all those who prayed for my speedy recovery from Bell's Palsy.

Actually, after the two-week therapy and steroids intake, the rehab doctor said that I was ok. My case did not degenerate so if I did not tell you that I had Bell's Palsy you woudn't notice I had it. Praise God! He is really good..all the time!

I just don't blog recently because I don't have much time. It's not easy to juggle time if you have two kids already, hehe.

Anyway, Luke is gaining weight fast. He'll be two months on June 12. Matt is getting even smarter.

Fighting Bell's Palsy

After taking a bath last Friday, I went on my usual routine of checking myself in front of the mirror. I would like to know if I’m getting slimmer as an effect of my pure breastfeeding on Luke! Aside from the many benefits of breastfeeding, I know na super nakakapayat daw, hehe!

But then when I smiled, I noticed something different. Parang di pantay ang ngiti ko. Nakangiwi ako. Naka-favor sa left. Parang no reaction yung right part ng lips ko. Teka, ulitin ko nga. Change mirror. Aha, ganun pa rin. I cried. I thought I had a mild stroke. The day before, napansin ko while talking to a friend sa phone na nangingiwi ako magsalita. Pero di ko na pinansin kasi diretso naman ako magsalita after.

So that Friday morning, after noting na di pantay ang ngiti ko, I told Jay and my parents about it. I was crying. Sabi ni Jay, “Sige kindat mo kanang mata mo.” Oh no, I can’t squint my right eye! I immediately called a family doctor and relayed what I found out. He immediately said it could be BELL’S PALSY. Facial Paralysis in layman’s term. I asked if it’s related to my breastfeeding. No, it’s not in any way related to it. He immediately advised us to go to the hospital, he’d like to see me right away and endorsed me to the Physical Therapy unit. We were in the hospital in 15 minutes. When he saw me, he had no doubt it was Bell’s Palsy. What could be the cause? UNKNOWN. Up to now, puro theories pa lang. No proven fact.
1. It could be viral.
2. Exposure to extreme temperature.
3. Too much side-lying. (Pwedeng naipit ang nerves.)

Among the three, the nearest to my case is the last one. I always lie on either side when breastfeeding on bed. Pero wala naman akong kakilalang nagbe-breastfeed na nagka-bell’s palsy. Side-lying is one of the most comfortable breastfeeding positions. Saka di ba, pag- preggy nga dapat sa left side natutulog. So parang di naman ako convinced na ito ang cause.

Jay and my parents even had their own theory: STRESS. After delivery, they knew how stressed I was. Puyat. Recovery from 2nd CS after 10 hours of painful labor, etc, etc.

Whatever the cause is, this is a battle I have to fight. And I hold on to what the doctors said that this is NOT permanent. Bell’s Palsy is curable. 2 weeks to a month at the earliest. I just have to be faithful to the therapy sessions and medications.

I had to take steroids to prevent swelling of my right facial muscles. At first, our family doctor said I could NOT go on breastfeeding. I could not help but cry. I’ve exerted so much effort going on pure breastfeeding. It was just a week since I became successful on that. Well, it was to save my face daw, to avoid sagging. It was a good thing I detected the condition early. Some do because they notice facial deformities already.

That same Friday morning, I was asked to start the 6 series of therapy sessions. Iyak pa rin ako nang iyak knowing I had to stop breastfeeding. Baka nga nagtataka yung therapist kasi sabi niya gagaling naman ako pero tumutulo luha ko. More than anything, it was stopping breastfeeding that made me the saddest.

It was a good thing that while I was undergoing the procedure, our family doctor came back and told me that he had consulted an expert on steroids. And yes, it’s ok for me to go on breastfeeding Luke even if I’m on steroids. Yehey!

I was kinda emotional the first few days upon learning I have Bell’s Palsy. But then I realize my condition is not so bad.

Let me tell you why the Lord is so good to me.

1. I have this condition two weeks after delivery. If I had this earlier on while pregnant, steroids are a no-no for preggies. I read that for preggies, Bell’s Palsy strikes on the 3rd trimester.
2. I have this while I’m still on maternity leave. I have a lot of time going to the therapy sessions and check-ups. Ayoko ngang makita ng officemates ko na ngiwi ang mukha ko, hehe.
3. For some reason, I began storing breastmilk when Luke was 11 days old. I discovered Bell’s Palsy when he was 14 days old. That means, I have enough milk stored for him even if I have to go out.

It was said that my condition would go through a phase of regression. Lalala daw. Kasi for the nerves to regenerate, it has to complete the process of degeneration. That means papangit ako, hehe! Ok lang, sabi naman ni Dada Jay, love pa rin niya ko kahit pumangit ako, haha!

With the Lord on my side, this would be an easy battle. Plus the support of my family, Church mates, and friends is really overwhelming. I cannot ask for anything more.

Well, God is indeed good…all the time.

A Very Happy Birthday

April is a very special month for our family. With the arrival of Luke on the exact day of our Wedding Anniversary, we now have 3 special occasions to celebrate this month. Last Sunday, I celebrated my birthday (my last on the calendar, hehe!). It was a simple get-together of family and friends. I just invited Churchmates. But Jay surprised me by inviting 3 of my closest officemates and 2 of our HS friends. It was a very happy birthday for me. Thanks to Dada Jay!